Journey of a Lifetime

As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mom. 

When I was little and would play house with my friends, or my younger brother, there was always mothering involved in the tasks that needed to be taken care of. I would tell people that I wanted to be “a Mom”, when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was raised by a stay at home mom, and in my mind that was the greatest job there was.

Becoming a mother, however, wasn’t nearly as easy as I had assumed it would be. While motherhood itself has been an amazing journey for me, the road to my current state was a long one – filled with longing, grief, and loss along the way – in addition to the joy and happiness that we finally found when our twins were born.

I’ve been the person who wonders why I’m not getting pregnant, despite their best efforts.  I’ve been the person going through all sorts of fertility tests to try and figure out what’s going on, with no definitive answers along the way. I’ve been the person who gets pregnant with their miracle baby, only to have things go horribly wrong. I’ve been the person who feels entirely broken by the process – usure of how to move forward through the pain – but still knowing deep down that the endgame is worth the continual effort.

When I look at my boys, I see our hopes and dreams running around the family room in their pajamas.  I see years of wishes and prayers showering my face with slobbery toddler kisses, and sticky fingers tugging at my hair while they wrap their little arms around my neck for a hug. I see the heartache, and pain, and beauty that brought us to this place, where I can savor their softness and feel the weight of them in my arms.

Everything happened the way it did, and there wasn't necessarily any rhyme or reason to it. But the time that I had between my pregnancies allowed me to heal from my loss, emotionally. And if we'd gotten pregnant at any other moment in time, I wouldn't have these two specific, crazy, hilarious, beautiful, perfect boys that I do. I cannot take a single moment of this for granted, because I still remember what it felt like to be without.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t get annoyed when my kids remove their diapers and play with the contents in their cribs (when they’re supposed to be napping). Or when they open the door and let the dog in, unleashing a whirlwind of chaos as I'm in the middle of trying to get us ready to leave the house. Or when they refuse to eat what I just spent two hours preparing for dinner, even though they ate it and loved it last week. Motherhood can make you feel like a crazy person, but it also expands your heart beyond what you thought or knew was possible.

All of these moments: the good, the bad, and the messy, are what make this whole journey so life affirming.

Today was a bit bittersweet for me, because it was the first Mother's Day I haven't been able to be with my mom. I know that I'm entering into a season of a lot of 'missed' occasions with loved ones, and it's simply another adjustment that I need to make. Perhaps it's even an opportunity to create some of our own traditions as a family, while we have this time to ourselves.  

Here’s to all the mamas out there. To the mamas in waiting, to the step mamas, adopted mamas, foster mamas, and surrogate mamas. The mama’s who’s babies are in heaven, and the mamas who’s babies can’t be with them today. Everyone’s journey to motherhood looks different, but the love at the end is the same.

Endless, selfless, unconditional.