Love, Me
I’m just a girl.
Staring at her computer screen.
Asking words to, somehow, magically appear. And for my brain to stop farting.
It has been… a year, to say the least. A big year. A long year.
As well as a very long time since I’ve managed to make a post. (Oops.)
I was reviewing 2018 on our Christmas card a few weeks ago, and it made me realize that we’ve been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot in the last 12 months. Which really makes me wish I’d been able to keep up on my blog…
The twins turned two in January (!!), and then within a few weeks, we were moving across country. And then Hubs was traveling a bunch for work, and I was alone in this new place. Without adequate babyproofing. Or any established support system. And I was constantly feeling overwhelmed, and angry, and resentful. And so, incredibly alone.
And then, the boys started preschool in July. THANK YOU, BABY JESUS!!!!
I felt like I could breathe again. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, three days a week. I could run errands unhindered. Clean the house in record time. Go to a coffee shop and actually drink my beverage while it was still hot!! For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was enjoying myself again, now that I had some time to myself. That’s not to say that I can’t enjoy myself while my kids are around. It’s just that I was feeling… lost. And gradually, I started to try and make myself feel at home, here. Best of all, the boys were so happy. They really enjoyed school, and every day when I went to pick them up, the first thing Jack would say as he ran towards me was, “Mom! I have fun at school!!” Win-Win-Win.
Before I knew it, it was August. We’d been in North Carolina for five months, and we were flying back to California for three weeks, for my best friend’s wedding. While it felt so, so good to be home, and to see my friends, and my family, and all of the places that I loved! It made me homesick all over again when we got back to North Carolina.
Luckily (?), I didn’t have much of a chance to dwell on it. Within three weeks of our getting back to NC, Hurricane Florence happened. Suddenly, what didn’t look like something we had to worry about became a very major natural disaster, and it was headed straight for us. And we were packing our cars after the boys went to bed one night, then driving away from our house in the wee hours the next morning. Unsure of what we would be coming home to, if anything. Eight hours later, we were in Washington D.C. Found boarding for our dog and cat out in town, checked into an Airbnb, and hunkered down while watching the weather like our lives depended on it. What’s more, it was our ninth wedding anniversary that day (we definitely won’t be forgetting this one, that’s for sure).
As an added bonus, one of my dearest friends from college drove to D.C. from New Jersey with her family, and we were able to spend the weekend watching our kids run around the lawn of the National Mall, while museum hopping and pretending life was ‘normal’. It was the perfect diversion, and I’m so grateful to her for helping to take my mind off of why we were there to begin with.
Fortunately, we were some of the lucky ones. We had a livable home to come back to, and we were able to make an ‘evacuation vacation’ out of the whole ordeal. Shortly after we returned from D.C., Hubs deployed to Europe for a joint exercise with NATO for six weeks. But this time, I was prepared: I enrolled the boys in preschool for five days a week while he was gone, and I swear I felt like Wonder Woman.
All of the things got done! I meal planned like a boss! I helped plan a fundraising auction for the boys school! I had fun with other Montessori mom’s! I even managed to batten the hatches while Hurricane Michael skirted us on it’s way north. I’d never seen my house as consistently clean as it was during those six weeks, and it felt so good to have everything under control while flying solo. It was the confidence boost I didn’t know I needed, but I’m glad I got it.
Suddenly, it was mid-November, and Hubs was home. We got about a week of reentry awkwardness, and then, Thanksgiving. This year we did something we haven’t done in four years - go spend a holiday with Hubs’ family in Illinois. Let me tell you: that 15+ hour drive from Eastern North Carolina to the Greater Chicago area is no joke. Good grief.
We thought we were ‘so smart’, and decided to drive through the night on the way there, thinking the boys would sleep for most of the ride and help avoid the need to constant stretch breaks. Nope!! They were riding high on the info that we’d foolishly divulged before leaving: That we were going to go see Grandma and Grandpa. On their farm. And yes, there would be tractors there. Every two year old boy’s fantasy, come to life. They woke up at least once an hour, throughout the night, to sleepily proclaim that we were, “going to Grandma and Grandpa’s! Going to ride a tractor!!” I wanted to cry when we stopped for breakfast at 7a, and I realized that we still had over three hours of driving left to do.
All of it was worth it, though, Being able to spend time with everyone - my husband has an enormous extended family compared to me - and seeing all of our friends, getting the kids together (we all had boys. So many boys running around!). It was very nourishing to have that time there. Best of all, we got snow! There was a blizzard the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and my kids are now hooked. I could barely get them to come inside after an hour out there, and it was 10*F with the wind chill.
“Boys. Mama is cold. We need to go inside.”
(no response, kids keep playing)
“I’ll bet Grandma has some hot cocoa inside!”
(they’ve never had hot cocoa before)
Boys: “Hot cocoa??!!”
“Do you want hot cocoa??”
Boys: “Yea!!”
Mom: 1
Snow: 0
Then, December. We stayed home for Christmas this year, and I’m so glad we did. My parents joined us from CA, and the boys were so, so happy to have them here. This year felt particularly special, because they are finally old enough to understand that there’s something magical going on. They marveled at all of the decorations, and got excited every time they saw a Christmas tree, or someone dressed as Santa. Christmas morning was so much fun, because their enthusiasm for everything was infectious. It made me realize how it takes having small children around to be able to really recapture the magic of this season, as an adult.
And now, here we are. Christmas has been put way, and I’ve started to reflect on my hopes for the New Year. 2018 was such a transformative year for me, in so many ways (clearly). I know that growth doesn’t happen in a comfort zone, and I’ve been so far out of mine for so long, I’m not sure what it even looks like anymore. But, I do know that I’ve finally managed to find my footing. That being ‘comfortable’ can cause you to miss some really amazing opportunities. And that in a year from now, I want to be able to look back and feel the sense of accomplishment that I do, now.
So, here’s to a fresh start. To better things ahead. To continued growth, discovery, positive change, and exploring the world outside of our comfort zone. 2018, you were hard, but you were worth it.
(Also, more posts in 2019! Haha!!)
Love, Me
